black_horizon05

Things have changed and so I ask myself, So what now?

So many things have happened during this month.

I finally have a Job and it's all thanks to a friend. I owe him 0_o [Thanks Miguel! p.s. I guess you won the bet.. XD] Oh yeah, we bid on that. I said that they won't call me for the job and he said they will. I lost, not that I'm complaining.. :3
Hey! That's a big thing for me 'cause I need money to help my parents with the expenses.

I have a band now with a weird name.. 0_o I cannot believe they picked The Illest. But meh, they're convinced with it so I guess I have to live with a grammatical error as a band name..XD
And we finally finished the song I composed! :D There was also one time when we didn't know what to do anymore so we just jammed and Otep started doing improv.. The melody was nice so our drummer started playing too. It made me hum and I thought I got the lyrics so wrote it down texted in on my phone 'cause I didn't have any paper or ballpen.

I'm in the GRAND FINALS of filcan idol and I just practiced yesterday before going to work.

I have LOADS to do for school.. <-<

I have a new friend too by the way. I also have 2 cinema buddies now.. :D I have a textmate[same new friend] and It's not that bad.. =o

So to return to my question in the beginning:

So what now?


Hhmm.. Continue what I'm doing ? I don't even know why I'm asking this question. I just had to ask it I guess.. =/


p.s. I'm pissed. What a jerk you are. What the hell did I do to you? Freak, I might start hating you soon. I don't know.. <_< I'll let you know when I get to that point.

Why do you hate yourself like that? Why do you prefer to be alone like that? Why do you care like that? Why do you love like that? Why are you such a sad person like that? Why do you fear life like that? Why do you fear yourself like that? Why do you love like that? Why do you isolate yourself like that? Why do you think like that? Why do you play with other people's feelings like that? Why do you play with your own feelings like that? Why do you block like that? Why do you even bother wearing a mask like that? Why do you not try to be more honest to yourself, not like that. Why do you lie to yourself like that? Why do you think you're alone like that? Why do you fear like that? Why do you not care for yourself like that? Why do you take people for granted like that? Why do you push away people like that? Why do you close yourself like that? Why do you not let anyone in like that? Why do you kill yourself like that? Why do you feel so alone like that? Why do you not see the people who are there for you like that? Why do you not want to change like that? Why do you try to be someone else like that? Why do you satisfy them by doing the same thing as them? Why do you feel so weak like that? Why do you not reach out and ask for help like that?

So many why's.and yet can you answer them all?

I just wanted you to know that I'm always here for you no matter what the circumstances are now. I feel for you. I don't know if you'd want it but I am always here to help if ever you need. I just want you to run to me for comfort and feel that everything was worth it in the end. Try to change. Try to know yourself first and stop looking around you. Try to find yourself underneath all that facade. At least try.. Or I can't help you..

You're scared to change because somehow, you're scared that you might remove something that's a part of you. You don't want to lose them and yet you kill yourself like that. Find yourself first and then it's going to be easier to change. You're such a sad person, I realized it more today. I don't know if im allowed but I feel sorry for you. Why do you think like that? I am sincerely rooting on you on the sidelines.

Please don't put a poker face.. Please atleast show that you care. Stop surpressing too much of your emotions or it's going to explode one day. Try to atleast change for yourself or someone. I hope you let the sunshine go in. Go find yourself and that's when I'll believe you when you say:

"It's just me. That's the way I am"

Change for your sake and find yourself. Stop pushing people away.
Atleast be honest with me. I dont ....

Okay, so I was supposed to post this before but my computer was being weird. Somehow, it got restored again and here I am just posting it. I don't want it to go to waste.. >_<
Anyway, I'm not going to continue this since I don't really care about this thing anymore. I think this was last month? so long.. XD

Today, my day wasn't that bad. English class was the best of all 'cause i can talk as much as I want and say my opinions when I want. And I really tend to talk a lot at times.. XD Our french teacher was absent! So it was more easy although we had this exercise that we had to do.. D:

Anyway, that isn't why it's awkward..

To start things off, I made this journal just for the heck of it. The real main reason was because there was this group that was plagiarized in fictionpress and one of the person who removed their story was in a community here. I wanted to read her stories so bad so I made this. Embarassing but yeah.. XD And I thought no one would read this stuff anyway unless people from fiction would want to just check me and my weird life.. 0_o

Now, off to what I want to say..
For some reason (okay, i do not know if she could read this or something but if ever, just please, read this before assuming things? I am not being mean but it's for your own good too.. >_<), my ex's current gf saw my last last entry about me being loveless and well, she thought I still had feelings for him and worse! That I ACTUALLY still love him! 0_o when I heard that I was like.. "HUH??" Dudeeee... I said that he's confusing me 'cause I don't know if he hates me or he really thinks of me as a friend or he's just talking to me for the sake of being in the same classes and sometimes being a seatmate. I said I didn't know what I felt about him because I know I don't love him but I do still care for him. But is it allowed? I am his friend now but sometimes he'd show me emotions as if he hated and 'despised' me. Yeah, that was his own words.. "I despise you.." No, I didn't forget about that. I was confused because sometimes he'd be.. actually, I don't know If you call that nice (how he treats me) but yeah... 0_o he's mean and 'nice' and did I ever mention sometimes annoying? I think he does it on purpose just so I'd get pissed.. <_< freaking jerk..

What else did I say on that entry.. Oh, the things like I thought we were meant for each other or something? I said that *note* in past tense for gosh sakes! 0_o I was just telling what I used to feel. It is sad though right? But I'm seriously past that.. It's just nice reminiscing good times sometimes and I DID say I was loveless and wondering when can I fall in love.. Does that mean anything? Yeah.. That means I don't love anyone at the moment. I am seriously doubting love now.. Annoying emotion I do not kid you. Freak! What's so great about love anyway when you always have these problems and when the 'love' that you thought you had wasn't real all along and that it might have been not 'love' even.. What's so great about guys who doesn't even tell you how much they really love you or show how much they love you? What's so great about guys who love themselves too much, they sometimes seem like they don't have enough or don't have any love left for you? What is so great about love when the one you truly loved with all your heart just throws you like used garbage and when they think you weren't that bad, take you again then throw you in the end but for good because you have no use anymore?

What is so great about a guy who'd rather hurt you because it's amusing or just because he's like that. That's his nature. That's not love. If you really love the person, you would atleast change that part of you even if it's just for him/her.. Call me hopeless romantic or whatever.. Really, I don't care. It's what I've always wanted and I would have had it if what i had before was really love.

Don't I sound cynical right there? Yeah, my ex ruined it for me I guess although I did HAD fun and i DID love him a lot before.. but NOT ANYMORE. You know what, maybe I should change my mood to cynical.. Meh.. Just make it like that..

So yeah, If ever she reads this, please read your facts straight. Not to be mean but it is annoying me how people assume things about me. I am not THAT pathetic just so you know. I might write alot about stuff in here but I wouldn't write all the details. IT'S INTERNET. I write my feelings in MY diary. Here is more the shallow feelings. Although this time it's pretty much real because seriously, I feel like I got caught of something because of what's happening to my friend (ex.. *rolling eyes..) and his gf right now. I didn't do anything and I am not planning anything either. Go watch a drama or something. But really, I will not be a drama character in their relationship because that would be just stupid. Try to break them apart? eh.. No? I'm not THAT desperate.. ahahah.. gosh. I have my pride. They seem good for each other since the other(no offense) might stick with him till the end. I'm happy for them if that ever happened. But please please. Don't drag me into your insecurities with each other. I do not want to partake any role and I do not give a damn.

Well.. that was long..XD

BLAH. Have a nice day.. :] I'm gonna talk to my friend now because I think he's alot more worth it than me ranting here about something I am annoyed about. Although I think I did write too much but Meh. Not my fault..XD

Yours Truly,
Annoyed-person-who-just-finished-jing's-portrait-for-her-birthday-although-it's-a-late-gift-cause-i-didn't-have-money-and-i-wll-force-him-to-give-it-to-her-cause-i-owe-her-and-i-promised-long-before-and-yes-this-person-remembers-and-keeps-her-promises-or-atleast-try-to-so-yeah-goodbye-and-im-so-happy-someone-reviewed-my-stories!

:3

[edited] p.s. I dont hate you. Just so you know.. So dont go hating me cause of this. You are too sensitive for my taste if ever you end up hating me because of this note. peace yo! i am just pissed off.. :]

Yay! After that dreadful day yesterday of pure melancholy, I'm finally chipper today! As the title says, Chalk 1 for life! This is one of the times when I'm happy I'm alive.. :D Okay.. so I'm kind of exagerating but you get what I mean..

Anyway, today was picture day for our graduation year book since we're sec 5 after all and ALL the students of my year skipped last period! Well, we were planning to skip 3rd period too but we had Monde Contemporaine (history?) and we had an exam to finish so we didn't. 4th period was arts anyway so Meh.. I like arts but really, it's not worth the effort since EVERYONE won't be there anyway.. XD

So we did our exam and I didn't even get to finish it! We got late a bit but we managed to go to the metro and meet the other people. We were supposed to be 20 people. You know how many people showed up?! 49! So imagine my friend's distress when he found out that the number that he reserved wasn't enough.. >_< We went anyway and we managed to go all in.. I didn't like the people who work there though. They looked too serious. It was weird. No smile or whatsoever to anyone.. 0_o

I got to ate only 4 plates of everything including the dessert and it was a buffet.. D: It was fun! The dude beside me was so amusing..XD I couldn't eat properly and I kept cracking at the things that  he'll do. Everyone agrees. Yes Toun.. You're funny and weird. That you are..XD

After that, i asked a friend to come with me in Renaud Bray to check some of the cd's that I wanted 'cause I never got the chance before and I wanted someone to go with me. He was nice enough to come with me even though at first it was like he was scared of me as if i'll do something to him.. XD So funny... =o

I wanted to go look for books but they were all french.. D: so sad.. so we just went to plaza then we talked there. That was an AWFUL long conversation we had there! And ended up talking about random things too.. I feel sorry for him for talking to me. I don't know if he was bored but he was sleepy.. It was getting so late.. Every time we plan to go, we start talking about another thing.. XD

Probably for you guys it's nothing but my day was awesome. Little things that made me happy. Here they are! The fact that 'twas a fun day just made life earn some brownie points from me!
I'm so weird but yeah.. :]

I've been wandering around the nicethings community and I felt all warm inside when I read the posts. They sounded so cute, so romantic, so sweet that I couldn't help but feel a bit sad because I used to be like that until it happened and now, i pretty much don't have anyone.

I could call my previous relationship fun although there were ups-downs, for me, whatever he'd do, as long as I knew that he loved me, I wouldn't let go. Ever. Even if it felt like the world was against us. Parents, aunts and friends weren't really okay with him. I admit that he could be a jerk at times but he'd always try to make it up for me. It's just really the way he is. I used to call him weirdo. I still do. He was like my other half. Well, it felt like it.. We were like yin and yang. We were so much alike and yet so different. He was such a pessimistic and I was the optimist. Really, I was so much in love it hurt that I did.

And then it ended. Just like that. Right now, I do not understand what he feels or what he wants from me. He's very confusing. He also has a new girlfriend. We're pretty close friends but he still won't tell me who she is. I'm thinking it's his other ex though since she has the tendency to go back to him. Can't blame her. I guess it's like I took him from her, unconsciously and indirectly of course. I didn't really. It was just while he was with her, he met me. Since 3rd year, he used to see me in the hallways and near my locker and he had this small crush on me. But he had a gf then so he let it go. But the next year when we were in the same classes, he told me that he fell for me. Our story is so cute. If I took the time to write what happened, I think you'll agree too. I was planning on making a story based on our relationship though. That was before but now I don't know.. Maybe I'll just try to finish it..

That said, I still feel lonely. I don't think I love him anymore. I might be confused and annoyed at times but really, I don't think "love" would be the word for me now.. I just.. I don't know. Feel so lonely and unloved and unwanted. Atleast when I was with him, I was happy. Being in love really is amazing. can't i fall in love soon? Can't it find me again?

I'm not looking but really...  I don't know if anyone would even like me. I know I'm not being positive right now. I also have a bit of low esteem problem while as he doesn't. See how well we fit? I was devastated when he told me that he might not love me anymore. It's so sad. He didn't even tell me a clear reason and If I said it here, you wouldn't understand it either. I want to know what's wrong with me and I want to know what he really feels. He tends to not tell his feelings or show them or deny them.

Gosh.. Can't love choose me too like how it chose other people? I thought I had it but I lost it after 6 months (and it was also almost our 7 months together). If ever there's cupid, Can i have a request?

Make it last?
Make him the right guy?
Make him love me with all his whole heart and would do anything for me just like a lovesick fool he is, if ever?
Make me meet him on the right time and help me through out?

Love,
Hopeless...

UGH.. I seriously just want to say arbitrary things about me in here as an introduction since I don't know where to start, but I really just have to take this out of my chest.

Before that though... i have to admit, I'm not used to this. I already have my own diary and that's where I usually write. Anyway..

I am so annoyed and sooo.. GAH.. D: I accidentally kissed my bestfriend! Although He started it and I kind of got carried away? Is that even an excuse? Although I stopped as fast as I could when I realized what I was doing.Rrecently, my boyfriend just broke up with me (weird reason too. although we're still close friends. He's very weird with his feelings towards me.. 0_o confusing dude..XD). My body is bound to react in auto-drive when I happen to "relive" some moments with him. and damn it! I did not want that to happen! and why the heck did he(bestfriend) kiss me anyway? He's supposed to be the bestfriend man.. No. I do not think of him that way. he told me that he was getting seduced by my laughs and whatsoever. For gosh sakes. I wasn't doing anything to seduce him at all! even my ex used to say that and it's the same thing. I wasn't doing anything! I was just being my normal self. goodness, where has the world gone to..

( oh yeah, this happened on the "camping" trip my friends and I had for her 17th birthday. My friends like to be creative when it comes to their birthdays.. :] )

I know this is personal stuff and I shouldnt write it here. but since I don't have friends here anyway, it's okay. I guess?? and I really really just want to free it from my thoughts. At least when i write about it, I calm down.

okay.. since I got that out of my system. let's procede to the random things that I was planning to write here..

Firstly, my name's Jenica. I write stories on notebooks but am recently trying to write on my laptop since I'm running out of notebooks to write on. XD
I like the color blue and black. My theme was originally black and red but i changed it to this.. :D
I smile and laugh alot.
Can be talkative when telling stories.
Meh.. I am a bit cynical towards love these days although I do enjoy romance/comedy genres. I don't like drama, thus my reaction on what happened with my bestfriend. It sounds ridiculous to me now when i think about it. so typical i think.. Nevertheless, i still regret doing that..
anyway.. I can't think of anything to write.. XD I still have to wash the dishes.. D:

Until next time? I don't even know how to finish this entry! >_<

Name: Jenica
Age: 17
Sex: Female

Hobbies: Writing, drawing, reading, singing, composing, playing an instrument... etc.

I have 4 sisters and 1 brother and I'm the oldest. We all have different personalities and I believe I'm the weirdo.. XD

I am weird and If it shows, I assure you, I don't mind. I'll even say "Thank you" if you happen to tell me I'm bizarre. Anyway, I'm going to post the drama of my life. I am aware it is not interesting to people and I am not asking for you to be interested. I'm just going to write whatever I want and the hell with it I guess.

I MIGHT post some other things other than my life though. Just for fun. I'll see..

Anyway, I think that's pretty much all I want to say. I swear I'm terrible with introductions like these things.

Au revoir!